shoedawg06

Two in one day... I know!

I find myself in one of those dilemmas that I'm sure we all find ourselves in.

I'm coaching a little girls' softball team. This Saturday is the big league fundraiser. However, I've been working on buying a new car for a while now and this Saturday was going to be the day we were going to go do it. So there is the "right" thing, and then there is the "living your life for you" thing. This is by no means a unique situation, but I still wanted to ask:

When faced with a dilemma like this, do you do the "right" thing or do you do the thing that is best for you?

Try to answer honestly, the way you'd actually respond. Not just the way you hope you'd choose.

This past weekend I participated in my 2nd Avon Walk for Breast Cancer. Last year I walked the 39 miles in 2 days with my mom - a 9-year survivor - and my sister in Boston. This year I decided to try the other side of the playing field and volunteer to be a part of the crew. Of course I jumped at the chance to be a part of the motorcycle crew, which is responsible for controlling people busy intersections - both walkers and drivers.

Every time I'm a part of this event - even the few times my mom did it by herself and we went up as a family to cheer her on - I'm blown away at how generous and driven people are. This year I got a small taste of the other group of people who seem to be unable to wait an extra 30 seconds for some of the 3000 people walking to make it through a crosswalk. All-in-all people were very supportive though.

One highlight this year for the Avon Foundation was their new honorary chair, Reese Witherspoon. She was going to come to the DC Walk and walk the last mile and a half or so with the walkers. Or so the crew was told (it was supposed to be hush-hush for the walkers, a big surprise). Instead, we got to closing ceremonies and found out that she stopped at a couple of places and didn't actually walk at all. Being the bikers that we are, the moto safety crew of course had more jokes to tell than a person could handle. After dealing with psychotic drivers all weekend who were more interested on saving 30 seconds and trying to run us over, joking was what kept us positive. At the closing ceremonies she just added to the humor by saying "awesome" and "exciting" every other word. I'll admit, I laughed my ass off because its funny to see celebrities who think they can wing it.

After I got home though I got to thinking - was her small appearance still worth it? Most of the walkers, and even some of the crew members, had no idea as to the extent of Reese's initial commitment (sure, arguably we could have been told her commitment was a lot bigger than it actually was so that we could be prepared for anything), so the fact that a celebrity showed up at their event was enough for them. And just having her face attached to the organization will quite likely help push the fundraiser totals much, much higher. But at what cost? Her integrity? Our integrity?

I'm normally the type of person that believes if you're going to care, then care. Pretending to care just upsets me, and photo shoots aren't my bag of tea. I feel a little like I'm being mocked for caring. Like the person is saying, "Oh look, I can do it too without caring, aren't you silly for taking the time to care." But as the daughter of someone who once relied on this type of funding just to stay alive, even considering being against a huge source of income for the cause is ripping me apart. If there is no financial investment, there is no amount of caring in the world that can cure this disease.

And so I ask...

Which is more important - personal investment or financial investment?

I just found out a professor at the journalism school at UGA (where I went to school) died last week. He wasn't my professor in the sense that I ever took one of his classes. But he was unquestionably a mentor. He was always willing to offer guidance and advice on my videos, my ideas for projects, life or even something as simple as local places to check out great music. He was the one that really helped me appreciate blues and jazz as the foundations of all American music. He would pass along any opportunity he could that he thought would be a learning experience, beneficial or even just fun, not because it was his job, but because he wanted to see me - and the rest of the students - really be the best they could be. Accepting doesn't even describe this guy - there were some odd balls in the school, as there are in any film or even liberal arts program. But it seemed like he had an experience, story or joke to fit any style. I don't know if it was because he wasn't officially my professor or it was just who he was anyway, he was always able to be frank with me but never in a condescending way. I really don't know how he managed to make us all feel like we were on the same playing field as he was, while simultaneously teaching us how to get just the right shot, to know when to grab that risky angle and when to stick to the basics, and how to get crazy without regretting it.

I know this sounds like I'm just fluffing him because he's gone, but I can't ever say a bad thing about this man. He wasn't a saint, he was just a good person with his heart in the perfect place.

I guess I'd hoped that writing about him would make me able to wrap my head around his passing better. But I think it did the exact opposite. I want to be able to cry and grieve, but I can still hear his deep voice that once sang the blues and see him in that hallway with his arms crossed, talking to us about life and our weekends and our projects.

I don't even know where to stop writing...

Tired of the same old boring scenery and wish you could just drop everything for a weekend and take a trip somewhere? Well, my two friends and I decided that while we could spend our weekends doing the same things - watching TV, going to a bar - or we could get in the car and see what there is to see! Anyway, check out our photos and ideas! Who knows, maybe it will inspire you to make the great escape one weekend too!

The Great Escape

So this morning when I got a bagel from the cafeteria, I decided to branch out and try a new juice. This V8 splash stuff. It's actually pretty damn good. Finally, I'm glad I tried a new juice. Usually I'm in the store and I see a juice on sale or heavily promoted and I give in and decide to try it. And without fail, it's always terrible. It always tastes chemically, or like pee, or gross in some other unique way. I thought for a while I was a picky juicer, but then I started having others try these gross juices and they thought it was nasty too. No wonder kids drink so much soda and kool-aid and other teeth/stomach-rotting drinks. How are we supposed to teach today's youth that drinking fruit juice is good for you, when 85% of it tastes like crap? I'm an adult and I know better, and I still yearn to shy away from juice. It's either so sugary it really negates the purpose of drinking juice, or its so gross that your stomach actually physically refuses to digest it and any nutritional value it holds. I don't get it. Juices when we were kids were good. It was hard to find apple juice that tasted like urine. And your mom never let you have kool-aid except for special occasions, because giving a child that amount of concentrated sugar is like giving Osama Bin Laden bombs. It's just not safe, for anyone, friend or foe. And once you've given it to them, it's like heroin. Even if you kick their habit, the yearn never really goes away. Thats why kids get to be teens and adults and drink 14 diet cokes in a day. It runs on the same principal as catholic school girls sent off to their first co-ed college. You're finally free of the sugar-hogging tyranny that was your mom, and you can now go buck wild. Eventually, manufacturers couldn't keep up with demand, and had to invent drinks that would really smack your senses into a whole new realm of wigged out - the energy drink. Red Bull, Liquid Cocaine, all of those crazy drinks that are probably the leading cause of college students being committed to looney bins - kids down 6 of them to cram for finals, and when they run out of cans of crazy, they crash big time. Or they OD on the things and spazz out like a box of springs that have been laced with dynamite.

See - trying new juice takes balls. Because bad juice is single handedly ruining the world. :D

Please please please take my poll... I'm working on a new concept for work, and it's a pretty big risk so I want to make sure I get it as right as I can.

Essentially I'm thinking of developing a regular TV segment - only it's going to air strictly online. Take TV shows to the "next medium" if you will. You can't steal my idea though now :D But I want to find out what people care about - how long they want an online show to be, what they want it to focus on, how they want it to focus on that topic, etc...


Take the Survey

Share with ALL your friends PLEASE... A lot at work depends on it... Thanks guys :D

I have things to say that aren't of real importance but work has been so busy that I just don't have time to even talk to people, and I'm short when I do talk to them because my head is rushing through the massive to-do list I've got going. Just as a warning before I begin rambling...

We just moved. Chris and I managed not to kill each other, though I think at various points each of us wished the other would just go away. I hate moving. Well, lies, sort of. I love the product of a move. I love being in a new place, it's like a fresh slate. Full of possibilities. Some good some bad, sure, but even so. It's like a new chapter. I've moved so often in the last 5 or so years that I use wherever I've lived as marks in my calendar ("Lost my virginity when I was living here, had a great year at this place, was drunk too much at this place, etc..."). And while 6 different places in 5 years (plus summers at my parents' house) may not be much to some, it's a lot for someone that grew up in the same house for most of her life. Hell, when we did move (I was 15) we only moved a mile and a half.

But I hate the process of moving. The packing. The carrying. The hauling. The cleaning. The packing of all the shit you forgot the first time you packed. The putting things away. The rearranging things 6 times because you put it in a stupid place or found other things that you hadn't unpacked yet. The money you have to spend to get all the shit you don't have and need. Or to get the shit you want to have to decorate your new space (since it *has* to have it's own style).

Semi-related, Steph and I are getting along a lot better now that we're apart. We had a small scuffle today, but I think it was largely an issue of miscommunication on both our parts. Seems to be largely solved now, too, I think. We're an odd pair I think. Which is probably why we have such vicious cat fights. We usually get along great, and I rarely have more fun with anyone but her. But occasionally our different personalities hit a crossroads, and our stubborn heads attack each other. Then our fiery attitudes/passion/whatever you want to call it joins the party and its a shit fest for a day or so. And then we both realize we're not 12, cat fights are stupid and that we can actually find some middle ground. Our relationship reminds me a lot of the one I have with my sister...

Ithaca is starting to finally adjust. She's a naturally nervous dog, but she's taken every move to date a little better each time (she's moved at least 5 times in the past 2-3 years... first when she was rescued, then when Chris left his last girlfriend, again in Georgia, then up here once and now to the new house). I think it'll be world's better when we can get the fence up and let her run it out. Right now, with all the new sights and sounds, her curious nature and "tunnel vision" when she starts running would lead her straight out of sight. It's not that she wants to run away... chasing things is just in a Great Danes' blood. She can't help it. And she's a little on the dumb side. Not that I don't love her dearly. She's just well... uninterested in being smart. She'd rather just be goofy all the time. Or asleep. Not really an inbetween "smart time" mode to her...

I feel like Chris and I can finally start settling down a lot more. We were starting to get into a groove at the apartment, but anyone who is in a relationship knows that sharing space reduces private time. It's not that we all didn't have our good times, but I know Steph and Charlie would have liked some more "just us" time, and same for us I think. I love being social, more than he does. But still... it's a big adjustment for all with him up here, and hopefully this will let him adjust better at his own pace. The new house is in an environment much more suited to his tastes, and mine too for that matter. Very relaxed, in a very calm and friendly little community (emphasis on little... like, 30 houses... and an antique shop... and a little grocery type place). Really I love it. They have little parties and get-togethers and hang out in each other's backyards all the time, so cool. And cute. Come on, old houses in a little community? Super cute!

Ok, and between LJ land and me... I can't help but hear the "M" word in my head (and from friends and families for that matter) a lot more often recently. That would be "marriage" for those playing the home game. I don't get it! Like... I talk about weddings and how pretty they are and all the cool things to do at weddings, but normally I'm really good about it! I honestly planned on waiting a few years. Hey, if you're going to be forever, what's a few years to make sure, right? And I just like throwing parties, which is why I love watching so many wedding shows. I love big elaborate things like that. If I were to change careers it would be to wedding planning. I don't know. Probably just because we now have our own house. I know it's likely too soon. Not that I wouldn't say yes if asked. Omg... have to stop talking. I'll just get myself all crazy.

Enough rambling for one night. I have work to do still tonight and have to be back at my desk at 6am tomorrow :-( Barftastic. Man I'm desperate for brownie points. (Everyone do a "get a raise" dance...)

I find myself at times doing the very things I said I hated about this industry. And I find myself developing more and more resentment to my field because of it.

Sure I have the control and power to report on stories that are actually meaningful and relevant, like our troops overseas or massive flooding that devestates a third world country or hungry orphans in Africa.

But I would lose my job, and find myself needing to switch career paths completely because no one within a mile of the media field would hire me. Reporting on world news - or even important nation news like homeless people in California being dumped from moving ambulances - does not generate an audience. It does not keep the audience you have.

In order to do that, you need to splash your front pages with a young celebrity who has shaved her head. Or an astronaut who cracked under the immense pressures. Or a president who gets a blowjob at work (rather than the bombing of countries that we did at the same time). Because that is what people watch. That is what gets their attention. That is what makes the money come into the company so they can pay you so you can feed yourself and/or your family.

Then again, is it really the media world that is 100% to blame? Sure, we report it. We focus on it. We shove tales of famous people's exploits - often many of which we have committed ourselves - down the public's throat.

But how can we shoulder all of the responsibility if that's what the public asks for? Sure, we baked the cake. But you ate it. Hook line and sinker you swallow all of our nuggets of shame with pleasure, and come running when we taunt you with another tidbit of scandal.

They say sex sells. But really, it's the scandal and controversy (you get bonus points if you can work those words into your articles at least once a day) that surrounds sex that sells. It's like watching a movie.

I could get into a whole rant about how reality tv and modern genre's of filmmaking have painfully blurred the lines between reality and fiction, but perhaps I will save that for another day.

I ask myself every day if I should keep doing what I do with the same "it gets viewers" mindset - if that's really right.

But if I, and all other news organizations, published nothing but hard REAL news - would you watch? Be honest with yourself. Would you take the time out of your day to learn about the world's actual problems? The world where a vast majority lives in a form of poverty that you can't even begin to grasp? The world where every day men, women and children slaughter other men, women and children in such a way that makes the Holocaust look like a small hiccup in human judgement? Or would you still sneak a peak at the tabloids as you paid for your milk? Would you still talk about Britney Spears and Monica Lewinsky and Anna Nicole Smith and Hugh Heffner and other "celebrities" as though their lives and affairs mattered more than yours or anyone else's on this earth?

Because the answer - if you are truely honest with yourself - is that you are more likely to click on a story about Steve Irwin's ironic death than you are a story about the 18,000 kids who die every day from hunger.

I hate it. I wish I were just being cynical and not realistic. But I have mounds of numbers that show that when given the choice - Irwin will get the attention. So while I and the rest of the media industry is 50% responsible for fueling these ridiculous fires - the public, including you, is shouldered with the other 50%.

The public cared more about Princess Diana's death than Mother Teresa's. So why are they going to care more about dead Iraqi's than Britney shaving her head? Think about that next time you attack the media for the "shameless attention" we give to scandals.

I need a beach trip. Where I can just sit. And sweat. And sun. And breathe.

I dream - nearly all day and all night, every day and every night - of Key West.





Fucking seasonal depression.

Part 2 of the big things on my mind today:

Saddam Hussein was executed today. Or rather, late last night. Being in the job I'm in, I see a lot of videos that are not released to the public for various reasons (too graphic, just boring, etc). And while I truly believe that this man was a horrible human being with no respect for anyone's life over his own, the things that I saw - that few others are allowed to see - have me questioning a lot of things. I agree that the man needed to be taken out of power. But he was doneso for the wrong reasons, and I believe that many in the western world see his death as a justification for the wrong things. His death will be hailed by many who are educated on the world by nightly news as a big loss for those opposing democrats and the US. Or as proof that Bush was right in all of his actions. Many will not hear or acknowledge the 148 who were killed in the same manner as he was put to death - simply because of the selfish values he had. Or the over 180,000 killed in less than 2 years time for the same reason. Or the hundreds of thousands of others killed over decades in his name. Greed and ignorance, taken to the extreme, (to me) led to this man's demise.

I put a lot of the blood of our soldiers on this man's hands. If he were not the instigator of genocide, or if he did not show such a blatant disregard for other human life, they would not have been there at all. I also however put some of it on our own president's hands. Simply because his order to take down Saddam, while necessary, was carried out initially for the wrong reasons, and the man didn't recognize the right reasons until only after it was too late to turn around (and that's assuming he realizes them even now). I think that if Bush had - from the beginning - said that he was invading Iraq to take down a man responsible for decades of genocide and oppression, he might be a little more popular today. But then again, international law as well as our own laws and ideals dictate that we can't take offensive action, only defensive. And if Saddam isn't killing us or posing a direct threat to us (as with WMD's) - then technically we can't do anything. Which is probably why Saddam got away with blatant and gross murder for so long.

Case in point - Sudan. Rwanda. Sure, the UN intervened in Rwanda - to save international folks. And by the time anyone else got any help, the number of people dead was knocking on millions. Hundreds of thousands died one April alone. Meanwhile politicians had committees and debates and discussions and proposals for months on end, worried about doing things perfect. After the ordeal was more or less over, the UN announced that they would never again let such atrocities occur. Yet just over 10 years later, images and statistics from Sudan are nearly identical to those in Rwanda. And the UN is about as quick on their toes as they were before.

Small tangent yes, but big point. If Bush had said, "We're invading Iraq because of the terrible crimes against humanity," international outcry for the big bad bully nation would have been overwhelming and potentially devastating for the US. I'm not accusing Bush of lying about the WMD thing just to get in there and oust Saddam. I'm just pointing out the Catch-22 that existed. If we went in for the right reasons, we'd be ostracized. Because we went in for the wrong reasons, we're ostracized.

So, to conclude, while I think that it was the right thing to end Saddam's regime and that death was an appropriate punishment for his crimes, I also wish that people in our administration would recognize those crimes as the truly atrocious side of this man, rather than how undemocratic he was. (sometime I will write on the abuse of the word "democracy"). And if they do recognize it, then they are hypocrites for ignoring the other gross disregards for human life and rights that exist around the world, and not immediately condemning them and taking action. Yes, we are not the world's saviors. But if we're going to act like it in one place, we need to be prepared to stand up to our own words globally.

Otherwise, we are not much better than the perpetrators themselves.


"Peace is just two fingers now
Peace was just a phase
When someone put it on a shirt
You knew to count the days
So take those fingers tape 'em up and
Shove 'em up your ass and carry on
but don't try it now cause peace is gone"

There are 2 things weighing rather heavily on my mind. Well, 2 that I want to discuss at least. I will post this first one now, more to come -

The first being a continuation of my forgiveness and trust post. I am still confused and perplexed at the different forms of forgiveness that people have. Some can forgive on the outside and continue acting as though life is back to normal, while still harboring ill feelings or resentment or whatever - essentially not forgiving on the inside or in private. Some can forgive on the outside and for the most part forgive on the inside, but still struggle with getting back to "normal". And still others can forgive and move on completely. I suppose that goes along with the debate over "is it better to forgive and forget, or forgive and remember to avoid future problems?" Are people who forgive and move on completely really right in doing so, or do some things need to be remembered? What things are ok to continue to be upset over? Is anything unforgiveable? There seem to be no right answers, though I'm curious to know what others define as forgiveness, and what they do when they reach that point.

I'll admit. I'm a very forgive and mostly move on person, or forgive without forgetting. Because I think that in general, most things are not worth stewing over, for a variety of reasons. Or certain situations require that you move on for your sanity's sake. And though I have a poor memory for many things, deep cuts have a way of never truely going away. They can heal - completely - but certain scars never go away even if you live with them. Occasionally you'll look down and just contemplate how you got that scar, how it healed and how it has affected your life. Not forgetting doesn't mean I'm angry, because that goes away with forgiveness. It just means that I didn't ignore whatever hurt me, because every action - good or bad - affects your life. And I think it's important to recognize which actions - good or bad - had the biggest impact on your life. If you don't know what hurt you in the past, how can you work to prevent future scars? Because the only thing for me that hurts more than an original scar is getting hurt again in the same way. Because the 2nd time is always my fault, for not taking larger precautions or not taking the first one seriously enough. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

What is forgiveness? Who and what can be forgiven? What should/can be forgotten?

I think its safe to say I have trust issues. As in - I have an issue when it comes to trusting anyone. Well, I trust everyone to do one thing for me: fuck me over as soon as they are given a door. I often go out of my way to double lock all doors and not even let people know that those doors exist. I can honestly say that there is no one person to this day who knows about every single one of my doors. How close you are to me and how much I rely on you can all be directly associated with how many doors I've let you into. I often laugh when people say "I know you so well." And usually point out that they don't know the half of it.

It's probably pretty cynical of me. Especially since I make such an effort to be positive and optimistic about everything else in my life. "Don't give up until there's nothing left to hold onto, and even then give it a day or two to regrow." That sort of thing. But I cant help it. I have been fucked over so many times, by those few people who really truely matter to me, that its hard for me to let anyone new in. I realize that I can be happier by letting people in and therefore try not to let my guard totally ruin my life. But realize also that I've been hurt very deeply on several occasions, and that those scars take a long time to heal.

Speaking of healing. This is the part of the whole thing that scares me the most. Because forgiving before you forget is I think one of the hardest things you can do in life. You know full-well in your head what this person did to you. You can probably still recite word for word the cruel things you heard or envision the things you saw. And to simply swallow that and get on with life is no easy task. Slights are not the easiest lumps to swallow. No pipe seems right, and your head is always trying to bring it back up. Sometimes when people hurt you, you say to yourself "well if they just did or said this, I could forgive them." If this is the case, I think you should give the person time to figure it out themselves, but not much. At some point, it is more worth having that person back on the positive side of your lfie.

But what about when you can't really pinpoint that clear line that needs to be crossed in order to go from being hurt to being able to forgive? How do you know when its better to overcome your scars and forgive? Not everything should or can be forgiven immediately. Occasionally, it is actually impossible to forgive. While I like to think that if asked I could forgive anyone who ever hurt me, some people have never asked nor have I offered, so I can't honestly say that would always be the case.

And what does it mean to actually forgive someone? Does it mean that everything goes back to the way it was? Or is it just a marker, like the start line for getting back into the swing of things? Or worse yet, despite all of your efforts, will you always have that black spot in your vision of that person?

Ultimately I know there are no concrete answers to any of these questions. It's different for every person and every one of their situations. But the ultimate question still lingers in my head today:

How do you forgive someone, someone who you dared to give your ultimate trust to, who has carved scars in your heart in every way possible? Who has violated every form of trust you ever gave out? Who has lied to you in such a terrible way?

How am I supposed to do that?


"Let the rain come down..."

So AOL is in the middle of letting go of a huge chunk of personnel. They did my department Wednesday, and included in the layoff was the termination of the photo guys' contracts. Contractors around me losing their jobs = me freaking out. I don't normally freak out. So I spent the whole day telling myself, "No point in worrying until someone tells you to worry." Problem being, every time I turned around someone would give me another 5 reasons to worry. Like when I told myself that it was just house-cleaning to get rid of the slackers, and then one of the hardest working guys here got let go. And then when I told myself that he was let go because he was making a high salary and they couldnt afford to promote him, and I found out a bunch of measily contractors (ok not measily, cause I'm a contractor. But you know what I mean) were laid off too. Oh and then when I'm finally calm and its 10 minutes before I'm supposed to leave and this guy is like, "well its really uncertain times, lots of people in and out and shifted, you'd better talk to the boss and make sure you're really staying." ALSDKFHWEALRFN.

Today though I got some encouragement. Because it is true, 2 days later I haven't been laid off, and they're doing it each department all at once. Oh, and apparently the same guy who freaked me out at the end of the day Wednesday sent an email to the top 4 guys here saying how valuable of an asset I am and how they should keep me "in some capacity". And the top of the top guys sent one back to him saying he wants to discuss it. Hopefully it's a good discussion!! You all may poke fun for working at AOL, but I lurve it. All the personalities and the environment of a small gig, but with all of the big company perks. I go to work every day in jeans. Nuff said.

Sidebar- Trixie the kitten was adopted. Sadness. But I think I'm going with Steph tonight so she can pick out another one! Yay for being a kitten's aunt!

So. I've been accused of all kinds of awful things in my life, and while not updating this is by no means top of the list, I will still give into this particular accusation.

Where to start?

~Steph: moved back. Happiness still ensuing-> :-D
~Apt: Moved in! With Steph.... really awesome place, 2bd/2ba, loft, fireplace, 1300 sq. ft. Even next to a pimp daddy parking spot. Yeah. Be jealous. Then come visit. Bring food.
~Side note for the apt: I think dealing with the cable company was potentially one of the worst experiences EVER. Seriously, I think I got a dumber person every time I called. And I called more times than I have fingers (hanging up, "technical difficulties", just plain stupid customer service reps). We FINALLY have cable TV. And the internet modem is there... Just gotta be home long enough to do something with it.
~Boy: Moving up. Bringing dog (scratch that... small pony) I love both of them so much. Date TBD, but... To be living with him and Steph will be like an itty bitty dream come true that I just forgot to dream. I refuse to play favorites - ever - so I hope they get along. I really think they will. Steph and I may have different tastes in who we want to date, but friends-wise we're pretty similar.
~Other: Steph's getting an uber cute kitten named Trixie. We hope. The adoption people told her someone else had put in an application on her 3 weeks ago. To which I responded "their loss". Cause seriously this cat is so cute and perfect. And to those who don't know, I am very much not a cat person. Give me a big slobbery dog any day of the week. So for me to like this kitten so much... big deal.

Sorry this is a lame post. But I'm at work. Lots of layoffs yesterday. Very stressful. Man I wish they'd hire me...

(P.S. I promise to keep updating now!)

Ok. I need help with my halloween costume ideas. I have several that I would consider "golden" but the feedback I've gotten thus far I think is biased and thus not good. SO. Here are some of my ideas, sort of ranked best to not best:
- Half angel/half devil: Sew together angel costume on one side, devil on the other side
- "Splish Splash": have a "bathtub" hanging around my waist with bubbles covering the uh... important things uptop...
- Girl Gone Wild: Pinup a shirt and then put a black sign over my boobs that said censored
- Boxer
- Risky Business: undies scene... whitie tighties, socks, suit shirt and sunglasses
- Biker Babe
- Levitating genie (flying carpet and all!)


There are others, I forget them. I'll update later today.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I'm not totally sure why "poo" was the subject of this post. It could be that every time I talk to steph she finds a new and creative way to introduce her poo into the conversation. So now it's stuck in my subconscious. w/e

Damn. So I talked about poo and now I can't remember wtf I was going to actually say. I had something to say. I swear.

I'll ramble till I remember.

My job is still cool. Even the being there at 6am isn't so bad. No traffic. I'm done at 3. And the first 2 hours fly by because its still dark. Honestly, sun doesn't even start to come up till I've been at work for an hour. Craziness.

OH.

I need to turn my life around. I've done some dumb things in the past month/2 months, some I have reasons for and some I don't. I don't regret them. I don't even think they were mistakes. I just think they were dumb things and for now I've decided to be more aware of dumb things before I do them. Like going out all the time and getting crazy ass drunk. Fun, yeah. But smart? Not even close. I mean, not even mentioning the health effects it has on you, much less the mental effects, its just dumb. Sometimes partying is just what the soul needs. But several times a week every week? I just don't think thats what I want. Honestly I never really got into any of that. I went through 3 spurts of it. I think 3rd time is going to have to be the charm for now. Recap on the 3 spurts:
-Football season of my junior year (2004). Tailgating and after-parties and pregaming and pre-parties and mid-week-talk-about-it parties and hangover cure parties... man. One particular drunken debacle ended with the word "DAWGS" sunburned into my belly for 3 months. Because when you drink, you think no sun tan lotion is ok when spending 10+ hours in the blaring Georgia sun.
-1 month during the fall of my senior year. I had just started at the bar Tue and Th, and hanging out with the bikers on Wednesdays, and hanging out at the bar with chris friday and saturdays, NFL parties sundays, and often a "I need a beer" run to the bar to just chill out on mondays. It was a long, long month. Got great grades though...
-August of 2006. There was some in June. But really, August was it. I do believe I was trashed friday and saturday of every week last month. It was rough.

There are other things I want to change, but I don't want to detail. Just some things that I need to do and not do on a day to day, or with my life-persona in general. I don't know. I just need to grow up some.

SO. Day 1. Definitely rocked my socks. Funny enough, I'm not sure I really did much of anything. I watched a few people over their shoulders as they more or less walked through what I will be doing/ what I could help do during any news lulls. Oh, and I got to contribute story focus ideas in a meeting. See, they didn't know that pictures of Suri Cruise were slated to be released tomorrow. But they needed to know tonight so they could get on the horn with their Vanity Fair contact and try to grease some wheels so that we could have access rights to said photos. Which would then generate millions of hits for us. And I told them about the pictures. So I contributed and I was happy. (

Actually you know, the day started out really crappy. All factors pointed to a catastrophic first day. For starters, it was POURING outside this morning. Couldn't-see-my-car-on-the-street-20-feet-from-my-door pouring. But then literally 5 minutes before I walked out the door... it STOPPED. So ok, it turned out to be really good for me. Then I got there and the guy who I was supposed to meet (Brandon) was 20 minutes late. Then the first man (Ed) in my department to show me stuff, talked and clicked so damn fast and was a horrible teacher, so by lunchtime I was so freaked out that I'd gotten myself in WAY over my head that I couldn't hardly eat. And I got lost in the jungle of cubes on the way back. OH, and the security badge office was closed this morning so I couldn't go anywhere really in the building. And, someone had stolen my computer, so I couldn't actually sit down and work on physically learning the software.

My day ROCKED. I promise, there was not an ounce of sarcasm in that last statement. Because despite what should have been scary setbacks, it all worked out really well for me. The no computer/closed badge office/rain helped to really break the ice. And Ed made a whole lot more sense after I sat down with the woman that talked painfully slow (Christine). The two of them balanced out wonderfully. And after I began to understand what the hell he was saying to me, he was a great teacher. Bad on the foundation, great on the uptake though. Christine turned out to be a great person to meet too, because when I have downtime between news times, working with her will really show that I'm dedicated to my job and aren't there to just fart off. And because Brandon was late, I met another girl (Nikki) who happens to be working 2 cubes away from me (cool!).

Long story short: I think I'm in love with my new job.

Being in love with my new job, and thinking that I found a cool place to live that is just under 6 miles from AOL, makes me feel for the first time in months that my life is going somewhere. That it's not just stuck and I don't have to watch everyone else run past me with their lives. I don't feel like I'm so behind in life, or that I'm completely worthless. And you know what else: I don't feel the urge into anyones face and say "I told you I could do it." Which admittedly is a little surprising. I don't know whose face I would have rubbed it in, but for a while I felt like I had this vendetta against life or someone specific or whatever. And really, the personal satisfaction is so much more than I expected, and there isn't any room for any nasty feelings, which I'm glad for. I don't like harboring nasty feelings, or even having them, and especially acting on them.

I feel like I'm happy again.





Small factoid: Steve Irwin's death set new hit records at AOL yesterday... on a holiday... I actually heard one guy say "so, can you find me another ironic celebrity death, it would really do wonders for our numbers"... HAHAHAHAHAHA... I'm going to hell in a handbasket

I just. I don't know. There, I said it. I don't know. It TERRIFIES me when I don't know. I mean, sometimes its fun not knowing the future or whatever. But not knowing what to do with a situation sucks. Much less having more than one situation at a time - of similar context- that you're just like, wtf mate? Cause there's A and B, that are both similar in many ways and different in as many ways. And then there is X which should make A and B null and void. Oh, and Y, which should also make X and Y null and void. Yet neither do their job 100%. Or even enough to make you stable in your head. And so you toss and turn and don't sleep, and then your head isn't clear enough to comprehend A, B, X AND Y, much less the other 22 letters of the english alphabet. Plus there are always the weird Latin and Vulcan and Gibbidy (African tribe) letters that you can't even begin to conceptualize, much less wrap your poor little mind around. In the end, no matter what form of Wheel of Fortune you're playing, you're fucked. There is no right. And no wrong. And it's never the "no right" that gets you. Because after all, Jimminy Cricket is but a cricket. Small, puny, and less good than he should be... Fucking Alex Tribeck had sex with Walt Disney and out popped your life. Damn it.

I have heard Hinder's new song, "Lips of an Angel" on the radio, whether its XM or FM, EVERY time I've gotten into my car since Sunday. Excluding today. I only heard it one time today. But still. What is that? It's stalking me. And I hate that I like the song, so I don't feel compelled to change it. And I don't think I can say anymore on that subject. Because it eats at me. No, you shouldn't understand any of this jumble. But this isn't for you, is it? It's my therapy. In fact, because of you, I can't fully utilize my therapy. I need new therapy. Maybe I've got an empty notebook around here somewhere... old fashioned never killed anyone.





Oh, and I GOT A JOB!! Hell yeah, talk about a big foot in the door. This is what I needed. Good things come to those who are patient and persistent.

I almost posted my thoughts on goodbye on last night, but it wouldn't have been anything but sap and that's just not my style. I try not to cry in my soup too often. And that was most of what I did yesterday. Though, I didn't get any soup... damn. Anywho.

My sister leaving was really hard on me. For 18 years she's always been the staple that I could fall back on. I only picked on her to make her strong enough to catch me ;) And it's kind of a big flag that says "hey, life just moved on again." I sometimes wonder if she knows how big of a role she plays in my life. I try to tell her, but I don't always know that it registers.

And then there's Steph, who has been my psuedo-sister and my worst enemy and everything in between these past 16ish years. Well, I already went into my feelings on her leaving and her guts and yada yada.

It's been a while since I've cried over someone. I guess with Steph and Mel leaving within 24 hours of each other, it was all a little too much. And I'm glad they know I cried. Hopefully they know they're important to me.

I really just don't feel like hashing my sadness anymore. Sorry...